I initially started writing this just for me, but in the writing of it I realised it might be beneficial for my own healing and maybe even for someone else… so I decided to share.
I have been feeling deeply and quietly over the past few months - all the highs, lows, challenges, blessings, dark caves with sticky sharp edges and all the rest that has come across my path.
Late last year I was diagnosed with two rare types of blood cancer – ET and Polycythemia Vera. Classified by Western medicine as chronic with no known ‘cure’ yet for the disorders, it’s been a big six months. Tests, appointments, hospitals, specialists, waiting rooms, treatment plans, and lots of time waiting in between getting my head around what it means to be diagnosed with a chronic disease.
Like many who have had to navigate their way around unfamiliar and confronting terrain, on the edge of being propelled into undesired change – I had only shared the reality of what was going on with me to a small handful of close loved ones.
I was careful with who I told as it seemed far easier (and more honestly, safer) to answer that things were going well and “I was good”, rather than to admit the reality of what was going on and that at times things had been all kinds of overwhelming, confronting, painful and some days just really hard.
In an effort to keep it together and keep on going, especially for the dedicated students who would show up to class every day to practice - each having their own stories and complexities, I found myself at times feeling like a hot phoney mess.
How could I authentically show up to lead an honest yoga class, retreat or yoga for therapy session from a heartfelt, peaceful and truthful place – when a lot of the time I was experiencing physical and emotional pain. What kind of teacher was I to be able to show up and support people in understanding and moving through their own dark caves and stories – when mine were being blast to the surface.
After some time reflecting and sharing more openly with more and more friends, hearing about the various potholes in the roads many have been on and the struggles they too have been having - whether living with pain, trauma, mental health issues or illness, I began to really understand how drastically in-authentic it is to filter the realities of life.
Life is not always sunrises, births, engagements and carefully curated stories on Instagram. ‘Healthy’ people can get sick. People lose the ones they love. Relationships break down. Young people die . And sometimes shit gets really hard.
Whether in a yoga class or on the seemingly shiny stage of social media, it feels very true and important to share that the lens of honesty and truth is far more potent and more powerful than any lens we may like to filter our lives with.
So it is my ongoing and personal daily challenge to really show up to the truth. To step up to exactly what is, not push it down, hide it away or give it a nice little filter.
For as long as we are in this world where we are so openly sharing our lives in an effort to connect and inspire – let’s make it real.
Inevitably, whatever lies ahead for each of us, we know there are going to be ups and downs. There will be both beauty and pleasure and also pain and suffering. It’s all going to be there. And so for right now, here I am. Showing up to the stage as best as I can. Sharing the best yoga I currently know how. And not for sympathy…. Simply because this is real life. Unfiltered, messy, scary, beautiful.
As Danielle Dolby says…”None of this was meant to be done all alone. “There is nothing courageous about covering up your pain so no one sees it. There is nothing glorified about having it all together. You do not need to justify choosing your health over someone’s happiness or approval. Life can be wonderful, perfect. Even when, especially when, it’s hard”.
P.S I also want to say that my story is no different and no more important to yours or anyone else’s when you find yourself having a rough day, month or year. If you’re somewhere in that dark cave, this is a heartfelt and loving reminder that it’s completely ok to not always feel ok…And to keep going. You are definitely not alone. Sometimes an honest ‘I’m doing it really tough’ is far more powerful than ‘I’ve got this all together’.
P.P.S A huge thank you my lover and best pal, Ry who is the best in the business as well as my family and friends for standing by side, for showing me the true depths of patience and love, for taking me to all the appointment and wiping up all the tears when it has, in moments fallen completely apart.
All my love, especially to those who may be feeling the fear.
